Why So Blue?

Ever get into one of those modes where you are so discontent with your life that the only thing to do is to rehash everything over in your mind again and again, in the vain hopes you can pinpoint where it all went wrong?
Well the only answer I can come up with is the fact that I grew up.
I've lost my innocence. I've lost my enthusiasm for life. I've lost my mojo.
I think this is why, lately, I've musically travelled back in time, seeking out those bands that I listened to in high school, before when I had no idea of what the world would become to me. All the oldies that touch me just as much now as they did 5, 10, 15 years ago.
When I listen to these tracks I dont have to worry about my life. I dont have to think about what went wrong, because nothing was wrong. I didn't struggle to get out of bed each day because I was happy for my day to start.
When did I become so jaded?
I think soon enough I will regret posting this particular blog entry. But at the same time, I recognise the benefits of being completely honest with myself, and I may be grateful, in years to come...when things get better.
It frightens me sometimes, this violent spiral from joy to sadness and back again. It saddens me that I don't have that vim that I see other people do. It confuses me when I look at the same things as someone, and they can see beauty where all I can see is ugliness.
No wonder I'm alone. Why bother taking a long hard look in the mirror - when I already know I wont like what I see? Why would I want to rub it in?
I have a secret. A horrible, shameful secret that Im too scared to tell anyone, even my closest friends. I cant bear to form the words, I don't think I would be physically able to. My insides shrink a little more when I force myself to think about what I did, and the reasons why I did it. I am so ashamed that I feel like I could literally die.
I honestly believe this secret is manifesting itself in my body into sickness, like a malignant tumor, or a cancer. You know those feelings that are so strong, they form a shape? Mine is becoming so real, its almost as plain as the nose on my face. My aura fades a little more each day the longer that it goes on. I can try to fix this. I can try and make it right, and then pretend it never happened for the rest of my life. If I act quickly enough, they wont know. They need not ever know.
But I will know.
And I'm not sure how long I can hide from my own judgement.

Good luck in life and love,

Honey xoxo