The Letter Ex.

Dear Aquarius,

How do you fall in love? Do you trip? Do you stumble and soar off a precipice hoping to land on your feet? Or do you float gently to the ground, hair settling around you like a halo?

I fell. I fell with a thump so loud I thought my world had cracked apart. It was just the way I felt when I first saw your smile. When you sat next to me for the first time. When you held my hand.

Maybe my world did crack. And in typical you fashion, you've left me to fix it, alone.

I thought I was doing ok. I was no longer sleeping in your tshirt. I was no longer searching for your feet in bed. I was no longer prone to having my phone taken off me, lest I call you in a drunken crying heap.

But all it takes it one small factor. The most minute of complications, and suddenly I need to look at myself very hard in the mirror and say "You know what kid, we may be in a bit of trouble here."

The catalyst? An innocent conversation between myself and one of the people at your work place. Your workplace hires thousands of people, for fucks sake...why did the one I end up talking to know so much about you?

You've hurt your knee. You cant work at the moment. Why cant you look after yourself when Im not around? Its so frustrating.

The last time we were apart, your friends told me you were depressed and couldnt even get out of bed some days. When I went on holidays, you had to have an operation and were bed ridden for weeks. We broke up for a few weeks and you got into a fight. You left me at a festival and on the way back to her you nearly got into a fight. And now, you have injured yourself to the point where you cant even work.

The point I'm trying to make is that all of this stuff never happens when I'm around. So why have you left me. Why the fuck do you continue this stupid charade?

You are not the only one to be affected by our split. I want my life back, dammit. I want to be able to listen to songs without melancholy. Why should you be the little thought in my head that never goes away?

Im sleeping better now. All of those little things about bedtime that used to irritate you and enrage me are gone. I fall asleep easily. I did have to resort to hypnotherapy to reach this point, but hey, a miracle is a miracle no matter what way you look at it.

I have dreamless sleeps. When I do dream, its no longer of you. I think life has decided that its not fair for me to think about you all day and all night too. I'm moving on. I like other boys now. I kiss other boys now. Heck, I even sleep with other boys. Does that bother you? I hope that bothers you. I dont care if that bothers you. Really doesnt bother me.

I like to think that one day I will see you again. We will both be slightly taken aback, but strong enough to graciously acknowledge each other and then move on. On to our new lives. Well, on to my new life. You might still be stuck with her. But thats no longer any of my business.

So even though its taken me so long to say it - Thank you. Thank you for being so cruel and ambiguous with my heart. Its taking a long time to heal, but I finally have the want to let it heal. Even if its just plastered over with optimism and hope for the future.

I just hope no one sees the cracks.

Ever but never yours,

Lion.