The Winter of My Discontent.

A warning to all readers who happen to go further than this - I am in quite a dark mood and as is my wont on this blog, I shall vent in a manner that is fitting to my mood.
Whats brought all of this on? A mixture of things. A cesspit of disappointment, coupled with failure of hopes and expectations. A sprinkling of nostalgia. A dash of lust and jealousy. A huge serving of inactivity. Oh, and we mustnt forget - a liberal splashing of drugs and alcohol, which gives it that smooth flavour of coming down.
Hungry yet?
Somebody close to me let me down this weekend. Because of her chronic inability to be on time for anything, I missed something I had been on pins and needles for since forever, a band that I adore and had been looking forward to for such a long time. It shows a huge lack of respect to me, I think - she knew how long I had waited for this. I had even bought her ticket for her and not only did she turn up 45 minutes later than she promised, she made a big deal about how she had rushed as quickly as she could, running there to meet me etc. I would have just accepted a simple genuine apology and gotten over it soon enough. Not this stupid bullshit concoction about how she tried so hard to get there on time. Thats what really makes me see black.
I'm very tired of my life at the moment. There is no need to ask me if I'm content with my life at the moment. I think the answer lies in my shuffling feet, my slumping shoulders, my overwhelming exhaustion evident on my face.
I take things to stay awake now. Not Class A drugs obviously, but things like Red Bulls, No-Doz, Berocca - anything that promises to give me a burst of energy. I drink two or three coffees daily now, when I only used to drink one a month. Nothing helps shake off this blanket of tiredness I always feel is draped around my shoulders.
I take things to go to sleep now. It seems odd, cruel almost, considering the effort I concert to stay awake. Alas, the only way at present that I am able to fall asleep is on a fluffy cloud of sleeping tablets.
It cant be healthy. It really cant. I fear that I am staring into the jaws of the black dog of depression. But I cant be depressed. Nobody who is depressed ever thinks that they are depressed. If I think I'm depressed, I cant be. I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself.
Maybe I'm just lonely. Or tired. Or nostalgic. Maybe I'm just missing that someone. Or disappointed by my friends. Or scared to be lonely. So I hang on to my friends.
I need to be by myself for a while. I want to go away and read a book. I want to drink a bottle of wine without feeling the need to get roaring drunk and hitting on random men. I want to walk by myself without worrying about what other people think of me. I place so much emphasis on other peoples opinions that I've forgotten that my own opinions should be the most important to me. I want to think out loud. I want to laugh out loud. I don't want to have bullshit chit chat with someone and talk about the latest model of mobile phone. I've just lost my phone, so there is no need to switch it off - I just wont replace it.
How far inside your own mind can you retreat before someone notices you are gone? I'm worried that I've been absent from enjoying life for so so so long, but nobody has even seen.
But, if this is you - please don't come for me if this is all that I have to return to.
Good luck in life and love,
Honey xx